3 ways to respond when a coworker hurts your feelings

Have you ever had a conversation with a coworker that didn't go as planned? You went into a conversation expecting one thing and then you left with your feelings hurt.

Picture this: You started a new job and built some great connections, only to discover that your "friends" have gotten together for happy hour every Friday for a few months without you.

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On the playground or in the office, getting your feelings hurt is HARD! We all want to fit in and be liked. When our feelings are hurt, it's hard to think about what to do next.

In moments of conflict, personal or professional, it's really important to take a minute and sit with your feelings.

Maybe you can address the conflict right away or maybe circumstances mean that there is a delay between when the conflict happens and when you can talk about it with the other person.

I know, because I've been there.

I had started a new job recently, and I met some really nice people, but didn't really want to make close friends outside of my team. I met a person who I immediately clicked with. Seems simple and like the beginning of a beautiful friendship, right?

My coworker’s team was talking about the Christmas party they were attending. Without missing a beat, they said, "Oh, sorry, it's only for our important staff." It's safe to say, even though I'm an adult well into my working career, that hurt. I wasn't looking to GO to the Christmas party, but I felt like I was being judged very unfairly and that was hard.

Sit with your feelings. When our feelings are hurt, it can feel like a lot is out of our control. Focus on what you can control. Conflict isn't fun, and sitting with our feelings, even the sad ones, is important. The ability to feel different emotions is what makes us human!

After I sat with my hurt and the feelings of being judged, I realized that this wasn't in my control, but how I responded was within my control. BUT, I could control how I responded:

• being kind, but holding my boundary

• giving myself extra space and care

• spending time with loved ones

Ask yourself: How serious was the hurt?

Sometimes, you might need to take some space and other times, you may need to do some serious self-care. It can depend on what you personally need.

When I had my feelings hurt, I addressed this with the other person, and then took the time I needed for physical self-care and a grounding deep breathing practice.

Grounding involves focusing on the five senses and tuning in to: sights, sounds, sensations, smells, and tastes. I used the 5-4-3-2-1 practice when I had my feelings hurt and it helped me to refocus on what I could control instead of spiralling.

You have assessed the situation and you're taking care of yourself. Next, think about what you want from the situation.

You might be a feeling a little bit like this scene from The Notebook, where Noah is asking Allie to make a hard decision (no spoilers for those who haven't seen it), but the interaction goes like this:

Noah: "What do you WANT?"

Allie: "It's not that simple"

It may not always be relevant for you to address the situation with your coworker directly. and recognizing this is helpful. Ask yourself:

1. What outcome am I hoping for?

2. What contact am I comfortable with moving forward?

When I had my feelings hurt, I was hoping to be able to voice my concerns and be respected. At first, I wasn't comfortable with much contact — I needed space.

After I processed my feelings, we were able to find a balance that helped everyone (i.e. coordinated coffee breaks and office meetups). Knowing what works for you and your own comfort level is key.

The outcome I wanted was to be included and make friends. Once I had been hurt, I needed to limit contact and start fresh when I was ready.

Sometimes feelings get hurt, but there are steps you can take to manage it.