HELP! I hurt a child's feelings 😬 How do I respond?

Meet Jessica. She's a graduate student who still lives at home with her family.

Jessica has also just picked up a part-time job after school and is exhausted after her first day.

When Jessica gets home, her younger sister Katie, is excited and wants to play video games with her. Jessica looks at Katie and in an irritated tone says, "Find something else to do. I'm tired!"

Katie's eyes fill with tears and she tells Jessica she hurt her feelings.

Jessica starts to feel guilty.

What steps can Jessica take to handle her sister's hurt feelings?

Kids learn how to handle conflict and stress by watching you. Staying calm is showing the child how to regulate their emotions. Steps that Jessica can take to follow this are:

• Take a deep breath — this can help calm your nervous system.

• Become aware of your tone and body language — kids pick up on emotional cues. Having a calm demeanor and tone will let kids know they are safe to express themselves.

• Gather your thoughts — this is important to avoid coming off as defensive and avoid saying anything else that could emotionally harm the child.

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

Before apologizing, have a clear understanding of what you're apologizing for to understand their perspective.

This also teaches the child how to communicate effectively and how to express themselves. A good question Jessica can ask is:

"Can you tell me what made you feel hurt?"

As Katie responds, it's important for Jessica to listen and give Katie her full attention so that Katie feels heard and respected.

Kids are human too! Acknowledging their feelings lets them know that it's ok to have emotions and their feelings matter. A few things you can say to validate their feelings are:

• "It sounds like I really hurt your feelings."

• "I can see you're really upset by what I said/did."

Jessica validating Katie's feelings also helps Katie form a secure attachment style with her.

When you assess the situation and realize that what you said or did hurt the child, it's important to take accountability and apologize by saying something like:

"I apologize my words/actions hurt you." This models accountability for the child.

Remember, kids are human. They deserve apologies, too.

Just like kids are human, you're also human, and explaining your intentions shows that sometimes we make mistakes and we can learn from them.

This also teaches the child that misunderstandings can have effects and even consequences.

Something Jessica could say to Katie in this situation is:

"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. After starting my new job, I'm tired and need rest. I didn't mean I don't want to spend time with you."

Saying something like this teaches the child the difference between impact and intention while also teaching them empathy.

The child will feel heard and important when you include them in making a plan for better communication in the future to avoid misunderstandings.

Jessica can say to Katie:

• "How can we make this situation better?"

• "Next time, I will choose my words more carefully."

• "Once I'm well rested, we can spend quality time together."

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

This helps Katie feel validated and models problem-solving skills for Katie, as well as provides a current solution to what initially made her upset.

Remember — kids are human! They are allowed to have emotions, and they're still learning how to regulate them.

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

You are also human, and sometimes you may say or do something that hurts a child's feelings. The way you respond to them is teaching them how to express themselves and take accountability!