Have you ever experienced that your romantic partner asks you if you love them many times? Or, do they seem to be afraid of making any "mistakes" or care a lot about small details in the relationship?
If any of the above apply to your relationship, your partner might be dealing with obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD).
You might've heard of the term "OCD" but it's not always used correctly. It's important to learn what OCD really is and how to support your partner and care for yourself!
What is OCD?
OCD is often misunderstood as a mere personality trait. People might say "I'm a bit OCD," or diagnose themselves/someone as "OCD" without a proper assessment when a person is a bit particular about a certain routine or process, or when they obsess over small details.
But real OCD is a lot more than that. The Canadian Mental Health Association defines OCD this way:
Obsessive-compulsive disorder is a mental illness. It’s made up of two parts: obsessions and compulsions.
An example of OCD could be:
I'm invited to a house party, but I'm worried that I'm gonna make my friends sick by bringing germs. So, I'm going to wash my hands for 20 minutes until I can get rid of all my germs.
You're probably thinking: "Washing your hands for 20 minutes is overdoing it!" People with OCD often know that it doesn't make sense either. But they can't help it — it feels like they're controlled by these obsessions and compulsions.
You can learn more about OCD in this Byte: What are the signs and symptoms of OCD?
How does OCD affect a relationship?
Obsessions
Obsessions in a relationship could show up in 2 different ways:
About themselves:
They might obsessively worry if they're worthy of being your partner. It could look mean:
They don't think they're "good enough" for you.
They compare themself to your exes.
About you:
They constantly wonder if you're the "right one" for them. It could mean:
They repeatedly ask themselves if they're attracted to you enough.
They have moments of doubt about the relationship all the time.
Compulsions
Based on the obsessions like those mentioned above, compulsions could show up like this:
Repeatedly asking you for reassurance.
Comparing your relationship with other relationships.
Overanalyzing your behaviour for "signs" that there are problems in the relationship.
Apologizing profusely for something they think they might've done wrong.
How can you support your partner?
It's important to know effective ways of supporting your partner so that you can maintain a healthy relationship with them!
Helpful approaches:
Listen without judgment: Even they know that their behaviours are irrational. If they're feeling judged, it may worsen their anxiety even more.
Encourage professional help: Ultimately, it's their decision to decide what support is best for them. Your role is to encourage them to seek professional help or introduce what kind of support is available, but it's important not to force it on them.
Set healthy boundaries: It's very important that you don't burn yourself out! Maintain a healthy boundary with them so that you can take care of yourself, too.
Unhelpful patterns to avoid:
Participating in compulsions: If they seek reassurance constantly and you provide that reassurance every time, they will assume that their behaviour is acceptable in your relationship. It's important to draw the line sometimes.
Minimizing their experience: It might get frustrating to listen to someone's irrational anxiety all the time, but it's not helpful to say things like "you're overreacting" or "don't worry about it" because it diminishes their feelings.
Taking symptoms personally: You're not the reason why they struggle with OCD, so it's important to remember that it's nothing personal.
How can you take care of yourself?
You can't support your partner if you are not at your best.
Choose the right time.
It's difficult to apply the helpful approaches reviewed above if you don't feel ready to give it a try. It's okay to choose your own timing, like when both you and your partner are calm.
Find self-care activities.
What do you do when you're stressed? Reading, knitting, running, cooking...it can be anything! Find self-care activities so that you can charge up your batteries to support your partner.
Know when to seek support for yourself.
It's important not to carry all the burden by yourself. Check in with yourself regularly to see how you're doing. If you think you're too exhausted, it might be time to seek support from your family, friends, or a professional.
Quiz
Which option(s) are the most helpful things to do while supporting your partner with OCD?
Take Action
It can be challenging to navigate a relationship with someone who has OCD. All the tips and tricks covered in this Byte will help you support your partner better!
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