How do I open up to someone about self-harm?

This Byte contains descriptions of self-harm that might be disturbing to some readers.

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If you've ever self-harmed, one of the biggest fears you may face is someone finding out.

As someone who used to cut, I remember worrying about hiding my scars. Yet at the same time, I desperately wanted to tell someone in the hope of finding support.

Reaching out about self-harm is terrifying, but when you can find someone that cares, it brings so much comfort.

Everyone who self-harms deserves to find relief.

As someone who's lived through self-harm, I hope these steps can ease the process of reaching out.

The first step is choosing a person that is empathetic and supportive.

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To know if someone has those traits, ask yourself:

Do they talk well about others?

If another person you both know is dealing with a mental illness...

• Would they dismiss the other person, or try to understand them?

• Would they make the other person feel safe?

• Would they create an environment that helps the other person share their challenges without the fear of judgment?

Do they treat others with respect?

When this person sees people who are struggling...

• Do they show them kindness and support?

• Does this person try to truly understand what others are going through?

• Do they feed into negative stereotypes and act prejudiced against certain people?

If your answers to these questions tell you that someone is safe, empathetic, and supportive, you may consider reaching out to them.

In life, every action costs energy.

Just as you'll use energy to reach out, the other person will need energy to support.

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However, as we've all felt, energy levels change. Some days we feel like we can do anything, but other days, everything feels like a chore.

Due to this, I recommend checking in with the other person to see when they'd be okayto talk about something serious.

Here are some things you can say to find a good time to chat with them:

Via text message:

Hey [Name], I hope you've been well. There's something serious with my mental health that I've been wanting to talk to you about. Is there a good time this week for us to text about it?

Via live conversation:

"Hey [Name], how’ve you been? I’ve been going through something serious with my mental health, and was hoping we could talk. Do you have time later this week to meet up?

By checking in with them, you allow them to opt out if they’re unable to support you, and you prepare them for the conversation if they can support you.

The next step is to share that you've been self-harming.

When I would open up to people, I'd share that I'd been self-harming in a two-part statement:

1. Share why you chose them

Telling the other person why you chose them can give them a better idea of how to best support you. A template you can use is:

I wanted to open up to you because you're someone who's always been so [positive trait]. I was hoping that you could help me today by [action you want from them].

2. Share that you've self-harmed

Share this with as little to as much detail as you want. This is your story, and you can decide how much you want to tell the other person.

I've been engaging in self-harm.

I've been cutting.

I've been burning myself for the past two months to cope with school.

Once you put those two parts together, here is an example of what you might say:

I wanted to open up to you because I've always known you as a caring friend, and I hope that you can support me by listening to what I've been through. I've been cutting.

It'll feel nerve-wracking to put it into words, but the relief and support makes it worth the nerves.

Here are some sample quotes that you could use when opening up to someone about how you've been engaging in self-harm.

I wanted to talk to you because you’re always such a good listener. It would really help me if you could just sit with me while I talk things through. I've been self-harming to help me cope with school.

I’m telling you this because I don’t know who else to talk to. I guess I just need someone to fix this for me. I just feel so lost with figuring out how to even start the process of getting better.

I don’t really know why I picked you to say this to, but I just need to get this off my chest. I've been burning myself. I don't know how you can help me, but that's what I've been dealing with.

I chose to talk to you because you always know what to say. Can you give me any advice on how I can best move forward? I've been cutting for the past few weeks, and I want to stop.

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Opening up about self-harm is challenging, and I admire your bravery in taking this step. I remember the relief of realizing I had support, and I hope you find that too in your mental health journey.