How do I tell my friend I need space?

Have you ever wished you could ask a friend to take a step back but chickened out? Maybe you felt you could really use a breather but secretly worried they’d hate you if you— gasp — asked for some space.

We've all been there! It’s hard to find the words to ask for what you need sometimes—especially when you don’t think you’re deserving or you're stuck in people-pleasing mode all the time. 

Remember, it’s normal to need space sometimes! So let’s take a look at an easy method of asking for that next time you need a no-hard-feelings timeout from a friend.

When you ask a friend for space, it’s natural for them to be curious what prompted it. They might ask if they did anything wrong. They might even wonder if there’s any way they can help you. 

They’re your friend after all! They care about you and might know you better than a lot of other people in your life.

Photo by Antonino Visalli on Unsplash

It’s good self-care for you to get specific with pinpointing what emotion(s) you’re feeling. It’s also a helpful exercise to strengthen your communication skills with your friends. Experiment with asking yourself:

• "What is the primary emotion I'm feeling right now? Are there any emotions hiding underneath the primary one?" (ex. Sometimes when our primary emotion is anger, that anger is masking feelings of sadness or humiliation or betrayal.)

• "Where in my body do I feel this emotion?"

• "What event or situation triggered this feeling and why?"

  

Instead of “I just need some space right now,” which might make your friend feel confused and maybe even rejected, try “Hey, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and stressed right now. Would it be alright if I get back to you in two days?” 

After you communicate to your friend what specific emotions you’re feeling, you might feel relieved that you were able to be honest with them. And that’s great! But you also need to be specific with what "space" looks like to you. You want to make sure both of you are on the same page. 

What does having space mean?

• Does it mean fewer texts throughout the day?

• Does it mean only messaging at certain times of the day when you’re less busy?

• Does it mean hanging out fewer times per week? 

Here's how to have that conversation:

1. Pick a time and place where you and your friend can have a calm, private moment to talk.

2. Weigh different options in your mind and notice how you feel about each.

3. Take time to identify what would really allow you to get the space that you need.

4. Communicate this to your friend so that they know how to best support you. 

Remind your friend that by asking for space you’re not putting an end to your friendship and you’re not mad at them. Even if you ARE feeling irritated with them and are fighting the urge to tell them “Hey, back off!” take a moment to re-frame the situation. 

Asking for space is about focusing on your feelings and taking steps to care for your needs in the moment you feel overwhelmed. It’s not about pointing fingers, blaming others, or taking frustration out on your besties. 

Reassure them that you value your friendship together but that you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Bonus points: If you do that, you’ll be able to show up as a more positive and dedicated friend. It’s a win-win! 

It’s normal to need space from your friends sometimes and it’s super worthwhile to find ways to express how you’re feeling and to ask for what it is you specifically need. Not only will you get the reset button you’re craving, but you’ll strengthen your friendships in the process. 

Here are some helpful suggestions to help you find the words next time your inner voice goes, “Help! I need a break!”